Sex After Sexual Assault

How to find safety and confidence in intimacy

I remember calling my boyfriend to tell him I had been raped. We had only been dating for two and a half months, most of which was long distance. Of course, it was uncomfortable - only a month before that phone call he had been visiting me, and suddenly I’m calling him to tell him I was raped by a friend of mine. We had just really started getting to know one another and then I was not the same person. There were so many changes during that time, and approaching sex was one of them. When talking about sexual assault, it seems sex after assault is not addressed or merely glossed over. 

Recently I saw a post on YikYak where the posters were saying they did not know how to be sexual, or have sex at all since they were assaulted. This makes sense. Whether you are in a relationship or caught up a one-night thing, sex is intimate. When this trust you’ve put into someone is betrayed, in such an intimate act, it can be hard to regain that trust and your sexuality. Each person will recover in their own way, and in their own time, but I would like to share with you some things that helped me regain control over my sexuality, and hopefully help you find your own. This has not been quick, nor had it been easy, but it is important. You can be a survivor of sexual violence and be a sexual person.  

Sexuality is not only about the act of sex - it’s also about feeling confident in your body again. There is a lot of self-blame that follows sexual violence, and questions about whether or not you could have prevented it from happening. I spent a lot of time being self-conscious of my body and how it would be perceived by those around me. I wanted to feel sexy and confident but I was afraid to do so. Would it make me less of a survivor to wear sheer tops and short skirts? Could I ever safely feel sexy again? 

One night I went out to see a friend of mine DJing, and my friends and I were all really excited. But this all changed when the student who raped me was there, and spent the entire night following me around. I was dancing with my girlfriends when I felt arms around my waist and lips on my neck. He was standing behind me, touching me, and so I froze. I looked desperately at my friend who started yelling at him to leave me alone. He did not try and talk to me or touch me after that, but he continued to follow me wherever I went. 

It’s scary, haunting, frustrating and invasive, but here’s the thing -  sexual violence is never your fault. It is important to remind yourself that there was nothing you did to made it happen. So following the assault, I told myself that I would not be broken by this; I would be strong and recover and not allow my body to be controlled by him anymore. So I masturbated. Which is a weird thing to admit to an unknown number of readers, but that is how I started being sex positive again. I made my space safe and comfortable, I found my preferred entertainment, and spent some time loving myself at my own pace. When I started to feel overwhelmed, I stopped and took time to relax. If and when I felt ready, I continued. 

You know your body, so listen to it. Take time to make yourself feel physically good because you deserve to feel good. The goal is for you to rediscover sex and pleasure, so do not make it a race. After experiencing sexual violence, you feel robbed of control over your own body. Masturbation is a great way to work towards regaining the power over your own sexuality. You decide what you watch, listen to, read, or imagine, and you decide your limits. Regaining control over your sexuality is very important in finding the confidence you need to enjoy sex with a partner in the future.  

Now, for sex with a partner. I am going to operate on the assumption that any partner you choose will immediately respect your decisions and listen to your needs, because the best sex is the consensual kind. 

First, go slow and spend a lot of time in foreplay. What better way for you and your partner to prep for sex? There is communication throughout, it feels good, and it ensures that your body is physically ready for sex. Foreplay is a good time to check in with yourself (and your partner) to make sure that you are feeling up to having sex. You and your partner have the opportunity to explore one another’s bodies, discover if there are any changes in what you do and don’t like. Take your time being sexual with your partner and learning to be comfortable while being so. 

During the first few times I had sex after my assault, I felt very different. I felt like I had to be much more aware of what my boyfriend was doing and what I was feeling. Thus, is it no surprise that there was a persisting sense of anxiety. What if he got caught up in the moment? What if he didn’t stop if I needed him to? This is why I cannot stress the importance of communication enough, and to have sex only if you feel ready for it, and when you do, take it as slowly as you need. 

Remember, you can stop at any point. The moment following might be uncomfortable. You may be feeling overwhelmed and pressured. Perhaps you experienced a flashback. Your partner may be feeling guilty, responsible and concerned. But these feelings are all okay. I remember when I had a flashback once in the middle of sex.  I do not know what happened, but I opened my eyes and I did not see my boyfriend, I saw my rapist. I freaked out, started crying and shouting at him to get off of me (which he did immediately), and just rolled over and started sobbing. I felt embarrassed and scared, and he felt like he had done something to hurt me. This was so upsetting and awkward, but not the only time it happened. 

You are not to blame, nor is your partner. Please know this. Talk about it, reassure one another and take the time you need before having sex again. Triggers and flashbacks are wildly inconvenient and unpredictable. They can happen while you are walking to Nicholson Hall and in the middle of sex. And while communication will not stop them from happening, it does help. If you and your partner communicate before and throughout sex, it can make the experience much less stressful. Communication is not necessarily, “Like this? Do you want to do this? Can I do that? Hey you all good?” While it can involve asking these reassuring questions, it is also moaning and body language cues. If your partner starts tensing up and seems unsure, check in with them. Sometimes it can be hard to express something outright, and asking will let them know you are listening. Be honest with your partner - if something feels off, tell them. This is new territory for everyone involved and everyone needs honest communication in order to have a healthy sex life.

It is difficult to move on from assault, and being on such small campus makes it even harder. While you may run into them at times, you also cannot stop living life because of this person. You deserve a full life with fun nights and amazing memories with your friends. Always make sure to bring trusted friends with you. If you start to feel uncomfortable, get somewhere that you feel safe. Life will continue regardless of whether you are hiding in your room or out with your friends. Do what will make you feel safe and happy, but do live your life to its fullest. If that means watching a romantic comedy while crying into ice cream (like I did), that is perfectly fine. If it is braving the line at the pub to get funky on the dance floor with your amazing friends (I also did this), that is perfectly fine too.  

By making decisions based on what is right for you, you will find your confidence and in time reclaim your sexuality. It does not happen overnight: it takes work and patience. But when you find yourself in a place where sex is fun and pleasurable, and a night out - or in - requires less finding where the nearest exit is, and more “Holy shit I love this song,” you’ll know it has been worth it. Be sexy, sexual, and confident. Above all, be true to yourself.  

If you have been a victim of sexual violence, I urge you to talk to someone. You are not alone in this, and there are people out there who will do everything they can to help you. This was not your fault. You can get through this.  

We’ve got your back.